i know i'm going to.txt
i'm feeling oddly good today.
and by that i mean it's odd
that i am not hurting in any particular way.
and i'm in a space where i'm thinking in a way
that's familiar to me.
i'm thinking about preparation.
about time management. about priorities.
and what strikes me now, what's clearer now,
is the notion that i know the problems in my life
are not going away. they come and go, as my mood
but they come and go quite consistently.
they are consistent not just in their appearance
but their character.
i recently had a spout (bout?) of loneliness.
it was really painful. it was incredibly difficult.
but what's struck me now is how it's the same as it has been.
the whole of it - the beginning, middle, the end.
the duration, even. the intensity. what happens, what i think about.
what it feels like. it is this consistent thing.
and the fact that this is so clear to me, that it's almost like an
object to me know, a thing i can point to and talk about and see
the outline of - that's significant.
it means something that it's an object in my mind.
it means i can deal with it. i can think about it. strategise.
i've also learnt that this thing that comes comes for a reason.
i recently broke up with someone. and when i was with them
the loneliness went away. it came back quite predictably.
i bet the days are even consistent.
having someone to open up to, talk to and share my thoughts
and feelings with, that takes it away - those boughts (?)
of painful days disappears
again - because i now have this object in my mind, the fact of
these bouts of pain (sorry i should look the spelling of that up)
makes me be able to control my life, in a real way. because i
know that they happen, and i know why. often i just feel as
though i'm just floating in the wind, that i really am kidding
myself to think i have control or understand anything. but really
things are becoming clearer - things are becoming objects,
they are reifying.
another example is money. or rather, vocation. i know, for instance,
that i consistently have issues trying to make a living. i have
a job but it goes up and down. there are times i really struggle
with it - when i feel insecure that i might loose my job, when the
job itself is really painful, when i feel like i'm not being
appreciated. work - vocation - is a thing that, like my periods
of loneliness, consistently becomes painful. all consuming in
how painful it is. and this is my point, this is what i'm trying
to write about - it comes and goes. like loneliness, it's not
always there. some days i love doing my work. some days i don't
feel at all scared i'll loose it, or that my potential isn't being
fulfilled. much like today.
today i don't feel upset about work. i don't feel lonely. i'm just
not worrying about them. but one thing i do know, now - those things
will come up. i know i'm going to feel bad about work. that i'll
be worried about stability. and i know i'm going to feel lonely.
that it will be really painful for a while. i'll get through it.
just like i'll get through my issues with work. but i know - here
is something i know.
and i know a lot more, in fact - i know that i'm going to have issues
with my body. some days i get an injury - nothing serious. my thumb
started hurting and i'm wearing a brace to rest it. but for a while
i was thrown off - if it didn't heal it would have been a real loss.
anything can go, and in fact i know it will. my body is something
i know is going to give out.
similarly for meaning - some days i look out and around and i just
wonder to myself - why? i feel empty. i feel like my life doesn't
feel like it's got any purpose. i feel as though i'm just carrying
on and there isn't a reason for any of it. some days. again - it's
something i know happens. it's an issue that comes up.
same for relationships, for having a community, for having people
you can rely on when things really go south. some for the violence
i see around me. some for the sense that my potential isn't being
all these things - all these problems that keep coming up, that i
see come up consistently in my life. real problems that consistently
make me reel - that overwhelm me when they happen. and today i'm
somehow right in the middle of all of the storms, today none of
them are affecting me much. and it makes me see something
fundamental, something i can hold onto and trust - that each of these
problems has solutions. and the solutions are long-term. and the
solutions require consistency and an understanding of the issue.
that for every single one of these problems i have to implement
something, have to put it into daily practice. that i can have a
life free from pain, free from hopelessness, free from loneliness
and regret and self doubt. that there are consistent patterns in my
life of my mood and each one speaks to something i should tackle,
that i should turn into an object and talk out loud about and use
my intelligence to develop strategies at differring time scales,
from immediate salves to medium term wins and long term overhauls.
it's because i can see them that this can be done - no matter how
many times they happen, or how intense they are, each will pass.
and when they do i will be back with my mind, my ability to think,
to try, to experiment, to ask, to read and learn. to talk.
i know i'm going to have these problems. and because i know that
i know i'll be able to solve them. meaning, loneliness, hopelessness,
helplessness. fear, anxiety, shame, humiliation. these things have
solutions because they happen in specific ways in your life. they
aren't random. they come and go - at times you feel good. at times
you don't feel angry, or overwhelmed, or lost. at times you don't
feel hopeless, or cornered, or isolated. and that means something.
that means everything. it means there is something causing it.
it means you can understand it. and that means you can think about
what to do about it.